We don’t talk about ANGER!

If you have young kids at home, you’ve probably seen the new Disney movie, Encanto. It’s a great movie all about a family who each possess a different magical gift. Surprisingly, I’m not going to relate this awesome theme to our different enneagram gifts (though I definitely could)! There is a song from this movie that will get stuck in your head called, “We don’t talk about Bruno.” It got me thinking… we don’t talk about ANGER!

Each of the enneagram types handles anger a little bit differently, but why aren’t we talking about it? Is it just me, or is this one of the main emotions that we need to work out? Why are we getting angry? How are we expressing anger? What underlying emotions are behind anger? How can we best handle anger?

Maybe you and anger are good.

But I have struggled with it my whole life.

It’s the thing we don’t talk about. The thing you’re not supposed to feel or act on. Anger is my Bruno.

I once heard it said, that anger is only the result of an underlying emotion. Which begs the question, what other emotion is hiding under anger? Even more than our avoidance issues surrounding anger, are all those other neglected emotions using anger as shield.

So using the enneagram, we can boil down these hidden emotions into three main categories based on the triads. Anger is going to be masking fear, shame, or vulnerability.

The Gut Triad

Eights, Nines, and Ones, are part of the anger triad. This doesn’t mean any of them know what to do with their anger however. Eights tend to openly express it as they do with most things. Nines don’t even know they are angry. Ones are usually prone to stuffing the anger down to handle it at a more appropriate time.

The Heart Triad

This triad associates the feeling of anger more with the feeling of shame. For these three types, anger is going to relate to their image and their own perception surrounding it. Two’s anger usually comes from a place of feeling underappreciated, while a three might feel anger when they are not succeeding in a certain area, or failing at something important to them. A four’s anger will usually be related to how they see themselves fitting in to the world around them, or a flaw occurring in their idealistic ideas.

The Head Triad

Fives, Sixes, and Sevens, connect fear and anger in their own ways. A five can become angry when too much is expected of them without enough time to plan and prepare, or recharge. Sixes anger relates to safety and security. If either of these feel threatened, a sixes anger may rise up. Sevens anger mostly relates to not having choices, or being boxed in. A seven will fight against this just to feel the sweet breath of freedom.

These may be overly generalized, but it gives you an idea of what makes each type connect to anger in their own way. So how can we talk about anger, and deal with it in a healthier way?

Awareness

The first step to changing any habit, is noticing that it is in fact a habit. This takes conscious self-observation, and time. Becoming self-aware is a life long journey and one of the best parts of the enneagram. You can begin by asking yourself some simple questions:

What is going on inside me?

What am I feeling?

Where in my body do I feel something tensing?

Why do I feel this way?

Become an observer of yourself. Watch what you are thinking, feeling and doing.

Action

The next step, is moving toward growth and positivity. Moving forward now that you have observed your thoughts, feelings and body, it’s time to make some decisions. Many things may have risen up when you decided to do some self-reflection, things you might not be proud to admit. That’s okay. The important thing is now you can move in the direction you want to go instead of being controlled by the mask of anger.

Here are some positive steps to move through your anger after you have identified it:

Deep breathing.

Taking deep breaths is good for your whole body and your mind. This gives you a chance to reset and calm down. This step alone can dissolve much of your anger.

Proximity (physically moving away)

If you notice that you are too worked up to handle what is in front of you, a positive choice is to remove yourself. For example, go for a walk (the fresh air will also do you good)! Move to a separate room, or the bathroom just to catch your breath and keep yourself from reacting when you need to respond.

Talk about it

Yep, let’s talk about anger! One of the best ways to diffuse a strong emotion like anger, is to name it. Just saying, “I feel angry!” can take away some of the power that you feel this strong emotion has over you.

Even better, call someone you trust to talk this feeling through with you. Having a friend to help you clear away the cobwebs can be very transformative. If this scares you, think of the situation in reverse. If a friend called you and said, “hey I’m having the worst day, and I’m feeling angry,” you would most likely respond with compassion.

Imagine these words, “I know just how you feel. Tell me what’s going on, I’m here for you.” These are the words we need to hear when we are in an anger crisis. The roots of fear, shame, and vulnerability make it hard to take off their mask of anger to be seen. Its easier to just keep getting angry, to not do the work, and to hide from others the deeper feelings underneath.

As you do your hard work, showing up as yourself, remember that others need your compassion. Under their anger is someone scared to be vulnerable, someone too ashamed to share, or someone full of fear. Showing each other compassion will change our world. What if we listened instead of accused? What if we got curious instead of critical? Let’s give each other a hand as we talk about anger.

It is my hope that you live an inspired life in continuous growth in the direction of your dreams and goals.

Thank you for reading!

Have a blessed day!

To grab an overview of all 9 enneagram types, click the button below:

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