Is It Just Me? The Enneagram and Loneliness

At different phases of my life, I have felt strong waves of loneliness. The waves are beginning to rise again; I can feel them coming. But I’m not lonely necessarily for company. I’m an introvert who longs for time alone. So how can I be lonely if I like being alone? I’ve come to the conclusion that their are different kinds of loneliness. Today, I’m going to talk about the enneagram and loneliness. Maybe it’s not just me, maybe we are all feeling a little bit lonely together…

Different Kinds of Loneliness

The kind of loneliness that craves interaction with people is probably what most think of when thinking of loneliness. This includes: a longing for company, the discomfort of isolation, and an overall sense of being alone. This is not the kind of loneliness that I feel most often.

The other loneliness is less physical and more psychological. The root of both I would say, is the same. Both are unwanted, and unchosen, and come from disconnection. As a type 6, I value connection very highly and it is this disconnection that makes me feel lonely. I am lonely for others to be on my side, to feel the deep connections of understanding one another, and the reassurance that we are in this together.

I don’t need someone to physically be with me to feel that kind of connection. Though at times a real in person interaction is refreshing and comforting. I think the common core to all kinds of loneliness is lack of connection.

Enneagram and Loneliness

What types feel lonely the most, you might wonder? It might be a tie between fours, sixes and twos. Type one might fall as a close second.

Fours

I want to talk about type four first because fours feel everything strongly. They also have this deep longing to be understood, and a feeling that something is missing in them. This combination can cause extreme loneliness and feelings of disconnection with others.

Sixes

Like I mentioned in myself, value connection deeply and when that isn’t happening in their lives, they begin to feel lost. Relationships matter to sixes more than you might think. They do play it safe for the most part, but once you are a friend of theirs, they want that deep connection with you, and will do anything for you in order to protect that.

Twos

Twos think about others and relationships more than any other number. They want to do things with you and for you and think about you all the time. They crave both a physical connection and a connection of understanding. This type will start to feel down and lonely when the important relationships in their lives are not nurturing them and appreciating them.

Ones

Ones are good at getting things done all on their own, but they start to miss interacting and connection with people when they’ve been on their own too long. In fact, ones need others to pull on their fun side and help them loosen up. When this is lacking, ones begin to feel that solitude creep in and wake them up to the need of their good friends.

Let’s talk about the other types that might not feel lonely as easily or as deeply.

Sevens

Sevens definitely want an audience to share their stories with and a sidekick to come along on all of their adventures. When this type is alone too long, they get restless. They might not be able to pin point that what they are feeling is the lack of connection with others, but they will fall into a downward mood.

Eights

Eights are known to trailblaze paths and sometimes leave people behind, but they truly value the people they love and need intimate time with them. This type also has a hard time naming and recognizing feelings, so they might not be able to say that they are feeling lonely. However, when they haven’t connected with those they love for too long, it shows.

Nines

Nines can get lost in their own world and substitute other things for human connection. They forget that their is a world out there full of people who could positively influence their lives. They sometimes choose not to be influenced at all, which inevitably leads to loneliness.

Fives

Fives are in the withdrawn stance along with type nine. They easily move inward and fall asleep to their own need for connection with others. They can get caught up in researching their current interest and forget to reach out to those they care about. A feeling of loneliness might creep up on a type five unexpectedly. But in my opinion, they might be the least likely type to feel lonely.

Is Loneliness a problem?

Loneliness, if not addressed, can become crippling and even cause health issues. That deep feeling of isolation causes us to consider our worth, our belonging and our purpose. When we don’t connect with others we can begin to lose our way, falling down a deep hole of depression.

We all feel lonely at times, and we all need connection with each other. It is important to check on those we care about that might be a different type than us. We all need to know that we hold a special place in the hearts of those we love and that they desire connection with us, just as much as we desire it from them.

What can we do when we are lonely?

Being aware of your own feelings and patterns is the most important first step. You can catch yourself before you enter that awful pit of despair. Ask yourself questions like:

• Have I connected with my friends lately?
• Do I have someone with whom I feel understands me completely?
• Am I taking the time to have real conversations with the people around me?
• Do I race through my day without “seeing” the people I am with?

These questions will give you a starting place. You might find that your answers are eye opening and you haven’t been taking good care of yourself and your relationships. Staying connected with people involves investment in both time and energy. But it is so important to your well being and your overall feeling about your life.

If you are feeling lonely, try not to sit in it too long. Make a positive step towards connecting with someone as soon as you can. Call a friend, make plans to meet up with someone this week. Start a group that meets on a regular basis so that you can be confident you will get the connection you crave.

Is it just me? No, everyone feels lonely.

It is my hope that you will live inspired and spread the goodness you have inside you with others.

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Wondering what to say to someone? If you know their type, here are a few phrases each type needs to hear: